we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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