God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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