Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
