just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He has the fingertips of a God
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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