You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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