Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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