I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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