Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
