I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
