i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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