it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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