I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
