what day is it and did you see me today?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
