i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
