my phone needs a breathalizer
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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