dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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