I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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