So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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