I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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