that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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