Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
