Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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