I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize