Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
