What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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