Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
