babies were throwing up all over the place
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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