i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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