i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
