My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
