Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
