ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
