Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
