Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize