Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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