We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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