everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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