Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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