Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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