I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
