My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
And then he peed in my hair
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
