Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
