i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize