I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
