I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
