What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
