oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
