If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize