the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
