I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
