She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
