I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize