Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
