Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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