There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
