My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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