I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
