I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize