How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
