Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
