When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
