If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
